Shaken, stirred, frapped, and whipped!

I know previously that I had mentioned how, after working at Starbucks for a while, I was beginning to chant the drinks in my dreams, in my nightmares, in my spare time…it was becoming habit for me. I haven’t been doing that as much anymore, even though I do love showing off at work when someone has a really hard drink and they go through very slow and loud like I’m hard of hearing or something, like, “Okay, now, I want a VEN-ti, DE-caf, SKIIIIIM milk (it has to be skim please), one hundred and EIGHTY degree, no foam LAT-TAY with 4 pumps of SUGARFREE vanilla…please use the sugarfree because one time I went to a starbucks and they didn’t have it and they gave me the regular syrup and it was just TOO SWEET…gross, so please sugar free…now, do you need me to say that again”
Blandly, I will stare at the unassuming patron, reach over to pick up the cup, ask “What’s your name?” and they say, “[Beep]*”
*(names have been removed to protect the identity of the ridiculed)…
So after writing the name, I say to the barista while staring at the customer, “Venti-decaf-4 pump sugarfree vanilla-180-no foam-skinny vanilla latte for [Beep]”- Bam! How about them apples?
As I spout these drinks off throughout the day, I oftentimes notice how people begin to look like their drinks…just like with the owner-pet thing.

The skinny drink orders ALMOST always remind me of their skinny drinks…and even if they’re not LITERALLY skinny, there is something tepid about the way they order it that insinuates they are being stretched “thin” in their personal lives, as though they are ordering with a sense of longing for something MORE than a skinny latte…almost like they have to add extra hot or no foam just to make the drink have a little more substance to its creation.

I love that children and teenagers 8 out of 10 times order something fun and indulgent like Frappuccinos or white mochas or something with cream and sprinkles on top, because that is how teenagers and kids are supposed to act. Never “hold the whip” when it is for a teenager or child!

The people that order hot chocolate are usually not the suit and tie types…they are usually the cautiously pessimistic non-coffee type of people that are too scared to ask us what else we have that doesn’t have coffee flavor in it (which most people are surprised to know that pretty much all of our drinks, aside from drip coffee, can be made without espresso in them and still be delicious sans caffeine!). The hot chocolate group sometimes drives me batty because I want to tell them that Swiss Miss makes better hot chocolate than us…we don’t even have marshmallows!! The least they can do is add Peppermint or white mocha! [Disclaimer: sometimes we will get regulars who order hot chocolate just because it is cold outside and they want something comforting…I do not hold it against them for ordering it on “occasion.”]

The men and women that order Americanos are a tough crowd- they are hard to read because of their stoicism. Just like the drink’s name, Americano (which rolls off the tongue nicely) it is rich without being showy. There is an elegance and grace about these people…they are purveyors of fine taste… I drink Americanos.

Doppio (2), triple (3), or quad (4) espresso drinkers (straight shots of thick espresso) are reserved for the people who are kinetic in their personality. They are usually a little jumpy and nervous, but not always. Sometimes, there is a slight tremor in their gaze, a desperate and anxious distraction to their detachment with everyone around them. For the most part, I spend a lot of time observing our espresso drinkers like they are paintings or works of art that are about to self-destruct. I try to stay away from straight shots of espresso for fear of turning into one of these strange creatures.

My iced tea drinkers are few and far between, but I do love them. There is something wholesome and pure about an iced tea drinker. They remind me of people that enjoy sitting on the front porch to enjoy a glass of lemonade, life before flavored syrups and blended drinks came along to corrupt us all.

Last but not least, drip coffee drinkers- the life blood of our population. Drip coffee drinkers are scary because of their deep appreciation and conviction for strong coffee. Drip coffee has more caffeine than anything else we serve, so these people are strictly business about their beverages. They don’t want to wait for an espresso drink to be made and they certainly don’t like to answer any questions aside from do they want “room for cream”…they have lives to lead and they need to get on their way! I love serving drip coffee because it is easy and fast, so I pretty much love drip coffee drinkers. Even if they are the least social (for the MOST part) and the least “fun” as far as maintenance is concerned. As long as their coffee is fresh (and 19 out of 20 times it is) and hot, they are happy, which will be evident by the terse smile they offer. Drip coffee drinkers don't have smile lines.

But trust me- you NEVER want to get on the bad side of a drip coffee drinker BEFORE they have had their drip coffee, it is not pretty. Kind of like standing next to a dog who is eating out of his food bowl, drip coffee drinkers can be savage beasts if they are not happy.